


Songbirds

by xiseoks



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Friends to Lovers, M/M, Mutual Pining, Slice of Life
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-07
Updated: 2017-02-07
Packaged: 2018-09-22 17:03:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 16,652
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9617063
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/xiseoks/pseuds/xiseoks
Summary: Baekhyun deals with being in love with his best friend by faking smiles and pretending he’s fine.





	

**Author's Note:**

> In this fic, whenever Baekhyun calls Jongdae beautiful, das me. I am baekchen praising each other. This fic is an excuse to gas them up. This idea was conjured up months ago by my friend but I've just gotten into it recently so :s also thank you friend, for allowing me to write this even if I took way too long to do so.

 

_“Pretty like the cosmic stars in the skies_  
_Though I suppose they can’t compare to the stars in your eyes_  
_My darling, my sweet, I adore you the most_  
_Don’t leave me hanging, don’t be a ghost.”_

Baekhyun hums, contemplative. "Cheesy and pretentious."

Jongdae frowns, pouting at his lyrics scribbled on the thin loose leaf.

“It took me like twenty minutes to think of that one verse,” he sighs.

“Hey,” Baekhyun says, reaching over to smear butter on Jongdae’s croissant for him. “It’s alright. It’s good, I promise. It’s just my opinion.”

Jongdae grumbles. “Your opinion matters the most and you know that.”

The older laughs, raising Jongdae’s croissant to his lips so that he may take a bite out of it. Jongdae does so, but not without that pout still adorned.

“Just eat,” Baekhyun says. “Worry about your song later.”

“It’s _due_ later,” Jongdae whines. “Help.”

The clatter of the cafe is mild for a week day morning, and Baekhyun is in a particularly good mood today, so he decides to indulge Jongdae with his own - albeit somewhat cynical - opinions.

"I think," Baekhyun says, "that we should eliminate that preconceived notion that all romantic relationships are like, this beautiful thing that is perfect and uplifting and will always make you happy. Love is messy and imperfect, and what makes it special is not the way it makes you feel, but how much you're willing to fight for it because you care about the other person that much."

"So insightful," Jongdae teases, chuckling. "I disagree a little. Of course how you feel should attribute to how special it is."

"Well, yeah, but what if you're feeling terrible about it at one point? What if you get in a fight and you feel sad, and decide that, because you feel bad, the relationship is no longer special? That's not the case at all. The relationship will be special depending on how you will react to it then, whether you choose to fight for it or not. That's what strengthens a relationship, to me. No amount of roses and pretty words and shallow dates will be enough for me to think the relationship is special enough. You can fake all that. You can't fake sacrifices."

"Okay then, Love Guru," Jongdae laughs again, and Baekhyun rolls his eyes. "I'll be sure to explain your very specific requirements to your future lover."

"I'm just saying," Baekhyun remarks, taking a sip of his coffee. "Love isn't this beautiful thing that should be perfect. It's messy and confusing but that's what makes it so great, because you're willing to put up with it despite all that. I'm a romantic and all, but I tend to prefer the more realistic side of things."

"I know, Baekhyun," he says, almost exasperated, and it makes Baekhyun feel bad despite the fact that he knows Jongdae doesn’t mean to offend. "It's a song. It's meant to be cheesy and gross. Like the person who's writing it is experiencing love for the first time and doesn't know the ugly truths behind it all yet."

"Are you attributing that to yourself?" Baekhyun teases, setting his mug down.

"Of course not. You know full well that I've seen the ugly truths."

Baekhyun hums again, munching on his croissant in thought. "Now that definitely wasn't worth fighting for. He was an asshole. I hope he falls in a ditch somewhere."

Jongdae laughs, a short little chuckle that is just to entertain him. "Me too, Baek."

He’s got that melancholic look on his face again, Baekhyun notices. That small little smile that seems to be a little too strained at the edges.

"You should get back out there," Baekhyun says, on impulse, driven by the fact that Jongdae looked like he was holding something back. He is his best friend, and despite everything, his happiness will always come first.

"Why? You said yourself relationships aren't everything."

"I know, but - just to forget about him, y'know? Like, just a fling or something.” Then, tentatively - “There's a guy in my comp sci class who looks like he can be your type." He hopes the crack in his voice isn’t too evident.

"No need," Jongdae chuckles. "I have everything I need already. Good grades, decent housing, and you."

Baekhyun wipes his greased up hands on a napkin to distract himself from the flare in his chest, forcing out a chuckle that he can only hope sounds casual. "Of course," he says. Then, as a risk, he adds, "Those other things might come and go, but you'll always have me."

Because of the fact that Baekhyun and Jongdae outwardly show their affection to each other, it's often misconceived by others that they are more than just friends.

Maybe to Jongdae, they are just friends.

But to Baekhyun, his heart stutters at Jongdae's words, at his claiming that all he needs is Baekhyun (and that other stuff, but he would like to think that he matters the most). It will mean more to Baekhyun than it does to Jongdae; this he knows, but he keeps his mouth shut. He might just care for him a little more than a friend does.

He believes love is imperfect and messy, and these ideas specifically derive from the fact that he is in love with his best friend. If that isn't the messiest type of love, he doesn't know what is.

 

 

 

It’s a dull Thursday evening, and Baekhyun is draped across the old couch of his and Jongdae’s small apartment. The television is switched on, but he’s not really paying attention, mind switching between the panic of upcoming exams and how cute Jongdae had looked at the cafe the other morning, all cozied up in his sweater.

He blows air through his lips - noisy and tired. He’s getting in a little too deep. They’ve been friends for approximately six years, and Baekhyun has had a crush for just that long - only now, it seems to be a little more deeper than a silly crush. This is what will happen if you too - like Baekhyun, ever the masochist - decide to keep hanging out with the one person you know you absolutely cannot have.

There are keys jingling by the door, and Baekhyun sits up, peering over the couch to see Jongdae coming home. It’s an involuntary reaction by now for Baekhyun to smile upon seeing the man.

“You’re home!” he exclaims, a little too excited.

Jongdae makes a face. “Yeah?”

“Save me from boredom.”

Jongdae scoffs, dropping his bag and throwing himself onto the couch besides Baekhyun. “You’re lucky you get to even be bored.”

The other frowns, taking note of Jongdae’s glum tone and pouting face. “What’s up?” he asks, dropping the hyper act.

Jongdae is unresponsive aside from a small grumble.

Baekhyun chuckles. “You okay?”

“Not really,” Jongdae admits. “Sorry. I’m just stressed.”

“Why are you apologizing?” Baekhyun asks incredulously, raising both eyebrows. “Rant all you want. Vent, yell, scream at me. Tell me what’s up.”

Despite it all, the corner of Jongdae’s lip turns up, finally turning his head to meet Baekhyun’s gaze. “You’re a good friend,” he says, very quietly. 

“That’s been long established, now tell me,” Baekhyun says with a sly grin. Now, Jongdae’s rolling his eyes, but the small smile doesn’t leave his face.

“It’s just school,” Jongdae sighs, sinking into the couch cushions. “It’s that time of year right before exams where it gets hectic.”

“No one told you to take more hours than you were required to, overachiever.”

“I take the good friend thing back, asshole,” Jongdae says, but he smiles all the same. “Is it a crime to want to graduate early?”

“Of course not,” he says, a bit more serious now as he softens. “I just worry about you. Taking all these classes. I hardly see you anymore. I miss our vocal practices.”

“Byun Baekhyun worries about me,” Jongdae says, with mock-shock. “The honor.”

“You fuckin’ bet I do, stop acting surprised,” Baekhyun says, and watches fondly as Jongdae smiles and shakes his head. He sees the ache in his smile, the stress lines in his face, and he frowns a bit.

"Do you want a song?" Baekhyun asks.

Jongdae exhales. "Yes, god, please."

"Alright, c'mere," Baekhyun says, repositioning himself so he sits properly on the couch, patting his thighs. Like an actual excited puppy, Jongdae leaps over to rest his head comfortably on Baekhyun's lap, grinning up at him with a content sigh. Baekhyun's heart halts for a brief second at the sight, but he wills himself to _chill_ because he's being ridiculous.

"Any requests?" he asks, ignoring that dreamy look in Jongdae’s eyes and how quickly his mood had shifted once his head was in Baekhyun’s lap.

Jongdae hums, in thought, that content little smile on his face. "Something soothing."

Baekhyun nods, and because it feels right, he weaves a hand in Jongdae's hair, brushing it lightly away from his forehead as he leans back against the couch. He lifts his gaze to the television instead, because if he were to look at him throughout all this, he isn't sure he'd be able to control his frenzied heart.

So he sings softly, quietly, to an old tune that's been around some decades while running his fingers through Jongdae's hair. He's lowered the television volume so that it's nothing but moving images, and the only sound in the room is the ticking of the clock and Baekhyun's soft, calm vocals reverberating in open space. Jongdae's mentioned before how much he loves Baekhyun's voice and how it sounds delicate, and almost fragile, and has compared it to crystalline glass, being such the songwriter. Since Baekhyun's remembered all of this, he makes sure to do this tonight as well, to make Jongdae feel all this again.

When Jongdae says these sort of things to him, it makes him feel special. And well, he can’t disappoint him now, can he?

Jongdae keeps his eyes closed, the corners of his lips curled up in that way they always are. Baekhyun's been successful in keeping his gaze away from him so far, but he chances a glance at him as he continues to sing softly, the words tumbling from his mouth in a smooth and clean melody. His fingers caress through his hair, mindlessly now, the soft strands playing around his digits.

He looks peaceful, Baekhyun thinks. He'd sing all day and night if it meant Jongdae could always look like this. His lips are slightly chapped, there are acne scars by his nose, his skin color is a little uneven due to the sunglasses he always wears when it's bright outside, but damn it if he isn't the most beautiful man Baekhyun's ever seen.

Baekhyun smiles to himself when Jongdae starts humming along quietly. Maybe love isn't perfect, and it sure as hell isn't easy, but it's moments like these that have Baekhyun reprimanding himself for being so damn cynical, because while love can be messy, individual moments on their own can be perfect, such as this one.

Jongdae's humming begins to break off slowly, turning more into soft groaning as he grows sleepy. Finally, he mutters softly, with the sweetest voice - " _Love you, Baek._ "

He smiles. Baekhyun's heard it thousands of times before, but the words will never fail to make him weak. He continues singing however, softer now that he knows how sleepy Jongdae is becoming. His heart swells, and he seems now to understand why songwriters write the way they do, why they write like love is this wholly pure, uplifting sensation. Baekhyun's mistake is that he's always looked at it as if it were a bad thing, simply because he hates that he is in love with his best friend.

However, there are moments, like this one, that make him think: yeah, it's worth the pain. It's worth the yearning and the longing, if it means he gets to be the one here, with Jongdae asleep in his lap to the sound of his voice. It pulls at him, sure. It tears him up all the time, including now, because he feels his heart ripping itself to pieces. The difference now though, is that his heart will mend itself afterwards when it finally realizes how lucky he is to even have him at all - how lucky he is to love him, even if he cannot be loved back.

Baekhyun sings the last note, trailing off when he's absolutely sure Jongdae is asleep. For a moment, he continues to run his fingers through the man's hair, chest tightening at the sight of him asleep in his lap, at peace. This is fine, he thinks. He can handle this. For his sake. He is in love, and it ruins him, but he will bear through it.

"I love you too."

 

 

 

 

"How about that guy?"

"I don't know. It's been a while.”

“Which is exactly why you need a guy.”

“Right, because the library is an optimal place to pick up guys.”

Jongdae rolls his eyes, his open textbook cast aside carelessly. Studying in the campus library has inexplicably turned into _Get Baekhyun a Man_ time. “Hey, don’t diss the library. Of course it is. These dudes are smart. Probably. Cute. Witty, maybe.”

“That’s false. You’re here, after all,” Baekhyun remarks, and Jongdae pinches his wrist that lays across the table. “Can’t we just go to the bar or something?”

“Nuh-uh,” Jongdae says. “We’re not going for one time hookup here. You need a cute, cheesy, cliched relationship. Your last was, what? When we were seventeen?”

Baekhyun scoffs. “For all you know, that hookup could lead to something more.”

“True,” Jongdae concedes after some thought. “So if not the library, then the bar? Tonight?”

“Sounds like a plan,” Baekhyun agrees with a sneaky grin. Just at that moment then, a man walks up to them, decked in a letterman jacket.

“Hi, sorry to be a bother,” the newcomer says. “I’m new here? And I was wondering where the biography section is?”

Baekhyun raises a brow. The man is handsome - black hair, slanted catlike eyes, thick brows that raise upon his question. In fact, Baekhyun is a little taken off guard, 

“Uh - right over there,” he says, pointing to the opposite corner.

“Thanks,” the perfect stranger says with a friendly smile before making his way to the biography section.

“You think he’s hot,” Jongdae says immediately when the man is out of earshot.

“What? I looked at him for two seconds.”

“Yeah, and your eyes were starry the whole time,” Jongdae chuckles. “No need for the bar anymore, I guess. I’ll talk to him for you.”

“Jongdae, what the fuck -”

But the man in question is already standing from his chair and making his way over. He shoots Baekhyun a sneaky grin and mouths  _Wingman at work,_ shooting finger guns. 

In all honesty, Baekhyun did think he was hot.

In further honesty, he doesn’t want anyone, really. He’s fine like this - pining over his best friend sad and pathetic and alone. Really. It doesn’t hurt as much anymore, actually. It’s as if he’s become numb to that stabbing pain in his heart when he remembers how much Jongdae does not return his feelings, as is evident by the way he now chats up this new guy for Baekhyun.

He’s too good for Baekhyun anyway, he thinks. Actually, maybe this what he needs after all. Another person to take his mind off Jongdae for a bit, someone who can make him forget.

 

 

 

 

His name is Minseok.

And surprisingly, Baekhyun likes him more than he’d thought he would.

He’s a year older than him, he’s majoring in film, and while Baekhyun refuses to use pretentious prose of any sort, he can’t help but feel like Minseok is one of those _quiet souls_. He likes that. He likes that Minseok is introverted, yet always up for a conversation - and a stimulating one, at that. It’s never boring or awkward with him, really. Baekhyun also likes the small little smile that Minseok puts on when his coffee finally arrives on their early morning coffee dates. He likes the way he sips at it as he listens very intently to whatever Baekhyun is complaining about. He likes the way that, afterwards, Minseok would reach a hand over to cover his own and assure him that it’s okay, that it’ll pass, and that he shouldn’t get so worked up over it.

Minseok is, essentially, too damn perfect.

Patient, understanding, caring - and great in bed as well, as Baekhyun’s learned from their fourth date that really just turned into making out in the movie theater and leaving halfway through to rush to the older’s apartment.

Perfect.

And yet.

Baekhyun still feels as if something is missing.

He feels like shit sometimes - the way he will look at Minseok and want to see someone else. He takes note of the smallest, stupidest things - like how Minseok’s hand doesn’t quite fit in his own like someone else’s. Like how his heart doesn’t necessarily react at all upon meeting with Minseok. It’s like - it is like meeting a friend who he also happens to kiss from time to time.

What’s worse is that Jongdae seems to like him as well, as far as Baekhyun can tell. It’s not a particularly bad thing that Jongdae likes Minseok; he just wishes Jongdae didn’t always look so happy to see him with another man.

Then he wills himself to shut up, because it’s not as if he and Jongdae were ever a thing anyway. Minseok is nice. Minseok is kind, and funny, and so, so sweet. Minseok makes it easy.

This is where the problem is, Baekhyun supposes.

“I don’t see anything wrong about him,” Jongdae says one evening as they’re setting up dinner in the kitchen of their small apartment.

“I don’t either, that’s the problem,” Baekhyun groans, leaning against the counter. “Nothing’s wrong, exactly. I just. I feel. Incomplete? I don’t know.”

Jongdae stirs at the pot on the stove carefully. “Well, I don’t think I can do anything about that.”

“I’m not asking you to. I just feel like whining.”

Jongdae’s voice picks up. “You said it yourself. He’s perfect. So what’s the problem?”

“I don’t know.”

The other man tsks, and Baekhyun shoots his head up. “Well, god, Baekhyun, I don’t understand why you’re complaining about your perfect relationship with your perfect boyfriend then.”

It comes harsher than Baekhyun had ever though Jongdae could be.

“What?”

“I don’t know, fuck - I’m just, I’m sorry, okay,” Jongdae says, setting the spoon aside and leaning against the counter, palms wrapped around the edge. “Sorry. I don’t know why I got upset.”

Baekhyun blinks, frowning a bit. Maybe he’d been complaining too much. After all Jongdae’s been through with his past relationship, how can Baekhyun be so insensitive to complain to him about his own current relationship that was virtually perfect in every sense? He had the nerve to complain about his relationship being too ideal?

“No, I’m sorry,” Baekhyun says. “I should have been more sensitive. Me, over here, whining about my perfect boyfriend when you’ve dealt with a cheating one.”

Jongdae sighs, rubbing at his temples. “That’s not it, Baek, really. I - I’m way over that, trust me.”

“So you’re just tired of hearing me whine in general, then?”

“No, it’s not that, either, I just -”

“Why then?” Baekhyun asks. It’s then that Jongdae raises his head to finally meet Baekhyun’s gaze.

His quiet glare is deafening all the same, strong and unyielding and Baekhyun senses there are so many things he wants to say, all hidden behind that inexplicable expression of his. It’s funny, because while Jongdae’s singing is the most emotional and heartfelt vocals Baekhyun’s ever heard, the man himself prefers to hide his own feelings away for him to deal with himself. Baekhyun wishes he would realize that he is here, that he is listening to whatever he has to say.

“Nothing,” Jongdae settles after a while, picking the spoon back up to stir at his pasta once more. “It’s not important.”

“Something’s bothering you, so it is important,” Baekhyun insists. “What’s up?”

“Just let it go, please. Set the table.”

“Are you stressed because of school again-”

“Baek,” Jongdae insists, meeting his gaze. “Set the table. Please.”

Confusion etches across Baekhyun’s face, and his throat bobs once before he glances away, nodding. “Alright.”

 

 

 

“You okay?” is the first thing out of Minseok’s mouth when Baekhyun seats himself across from him.

“‘M fine,” he grumbles, which is really just code for he doesn’t want to talk about it.

Minseok sighs, and his shoulders loosen. “I can listen, you know. You never want to tell me these things, but I’m here to talk if you want. Do you not trust me?”

“Of course I trust you,” Baekhyun exhales in exasperation, running his hand over his face. “Sorry. I’m fine. I promise.”

The older man fidgets, tapping the table lightly with his fingers. He seems to be thinking over something. “Can I ask you something?” he asks. 

“Yeah.”

“Do you like me?”

“What?”

“Do you, you know, have feelings for me? Because I like you a lot. I don’t sense that you feel the same though, and it’s okay if you don’t. Just tell me now so we can save us both the trouble.”

Minseok isn’t mad, Baekhyun can tell that much. He speaks calmly, tone assured and understanding. Is he ever really mad? All Baekhyun wants is for him to yell at him, to be mad at him for always being emotionally absent. Maybe then he will stop feeling so guilty.

Baekhyun is quiet, head down, and apparently, this is all the answer Minseok needs. And even now, he is kind and sweet and Baekhyun has never deserved him, either. He should just do everyone a favor and grow old alone.

“It’s okay, really,” Minseok says, tone hushed. “It’s okay if you don’t. That’s fine. But if you don’t then… there’s really no point, is there?”

“Minseok…”

“No, it’s fine, I promise,” he assures, his smile tight. “Sorry, I - I got to get to class, but - but this was fun, though, okay? It’s alright. Don’t worry about it. I’ll, uh… We can still be friends.”

Minseok stands from his chair, his entire posture rigid and tense. He waits for Baekhyun to say something before he leaves, backpack slung over his shoulders.

Baekhyun’s been a coward all his life, but for this one moment, for this one man, he forces himself to lift his head and meet Minseok’s gaze. “I’m really sorry,” he says.

He watches Minseok’s throat bob, watches the man nod curtly in understanding, and watches him walk away, a fake nonchalance to him that Baekhyun can easily see through.

 

 

 

 

Baekhyun slumps into the apartment later, exhausted by the classes of the day and the people he’s dealt with.

Two in particular.

He doesn’t know what to think anymore, how to feel. Jongdae had been very brief and curt with him that morning, and that hadn’t felt good. He didn’t seem mad, per se. He just seemed distant, which might as well be mad when it came to them.

And the other person had been Minseok - and all Baekhyun will say about the matter is that it doesn’t make him feel any better.

“Dae,” he calls. 

Jongdae looks up from his lap, brows furrowing upon the sight of Baekhyun at his bedroom door.

“Are you still mad at me?” Baekhyun asks weakly.

Jongdae stares at him blankly for a moment, before he softens and sighs, shutting his textbook and throwing it at the nightstand. He pats the edge of his bed - an invitation.

“I was never mad at you, Baek,” Jongdae says quietly as Baekhyun seats himself on the edge tentatively. “Sorry. I was an ass last night. Just being moody.”

“School stressing you out?” Baekhyun asks. Besides him, Jongdae sighs, and it sounds heavy and nothing like him. 

“Yeah," he says. "That, I guess.”

They are quiet, both sat on the edge of Jongdae’s bed with a good twelve inches between them. Baekhyun isn’t sure how to break the news, so he decides - simply - to dive right in.

“Minseok and I broke up.”

Jongdae’s head turns to gape at him, mouth falling open and eyes widening. Silence draws between them even further, and Baekhyun can tell Jongdae is looking for the right words. He feels like an idiot, for once again going to Jongdae with his relationship issues. In all honesty, he wouldn’t want to go to anyone else.

"H-how do you feel?" Jongdae asks uncertainly.

"I don't know," Baekhyun says, hands fiddling with the hem of his shirt. "I feel...numb, kind of? It's underwhelming. I should be more upset, shouldn't I? All I feel is kind of. Empty."

Jongdae nods besides him, understanding. The silence between them thickens, and Baekhyun doesn’t know what to say further, and he isn’t sure if Jongdae means to say anything either.

But then he does, and it makes the tightening in Baekhyun’s chest loosen.

"Do you want a song?" he asks quietly, and just like that, the tension that had gathered around them falls, and Baekhyun is grateful. He smiles - a soft, definite yes. Jongdae beckons him over with his hand, moving so that he leans against the headboard and gesturing for Baekhyun to do the same.

"Requests?"

"Snow flower," Baekhyun says immediately.

Jongdae chuckles lowly. "Again?"

"Always."

Baekhyun makes himself comfortable on his best friend's shoulder, nuzzling into his side and feeling right where he belongs. He takes in the natural warmth and comfort of his best friend, content at the feeling of Jongdae's hand in his hair. The younger's sweater is fleece and quite warm too, and already, he feels better.

At the same time however, his chest throbs at being so close to him, and he reprimands himself for thinking about it in a different way than Jongdae likely is.

When Jongdae sings, Baekhyun feels it in his heart. He sings with an incredible depth of emotion, the calming melody bathing Baekhyun in a warm glow. If Baekhyun’s voice was like crystalline glass to Jongdae, then Jongdae’s is like sparkling snow to him. He wants to fall into it, to immerse himself in the world that only Jongdae’s voice can build around them. This song allows for Jongdae to hit those lower notes, and while Baekhyun can definitely appreciate his high notes, it’s the lower ones that have him shivering from head to toe.

After the song, he doesn’t budge, but nestles even further into Jongdae, nose pressed against his neck. Already he feels at ease, at peace - like Jongdae’s voice on its own is therapeutic.

"Why did he break up with you?” Jongdae asks after a while. “Do I have to fight him?"

Baekhyun chuckles, a burst of fondness coursing through him. "That's not necessary, but thanks. He, uh, he thought I wasn't...being totally faithful."

"What?" Jongdae gapes. "You'd never cheat."

"No, no, that's not what I meant. He said he thought that I didn't have as strong feelings for him as he did for me. That I wasn't a hundred percent into it."

Jongdae hums. "Well, you did seem kind of indifferent while you were dating him."

"Yeah, I - I really did like him, though, okay? He was nice, and sweet, and really funny. And I'm... I am sad about it all, but not as much as I thought I would be. I mean, honestly, in perspective...he was pretty perfect."

"I understand," Jongdae says. "Sometimes people will seem perfect for you. Sometimes, you'll get along so well and you’ll think, yeah, okay, I can see this going somewhere because everything seems so perfect.” Jongdae pauses, then his next words come lowered. “But sometimes perfect isn't what you need. Perfect is too easy. Perfect gives you nothing to fight for. It's the safe route. And you deserve more than safe. You deserve passion, and adventure, and surprises.”

Baekhyun smiles a bit, to himself. “You sound like me. Where’s that hopelessly romantic Jongdae that believes in pure love?”

“On vacation,” Jongdae replies. “Realistic and grounded Jongdae is here to make sure his best friend understands how great he is, and how much he deserves happiness. You can’t play it safe. Like you said before - you have to have something to fight for, even if it hurts.”

Baekhyun hums quietly, entranced with the patterns on the ceiling. He becomes a bit dazed, lost in this numbing aftereffect of a breakup, but also the meaning of Jongdae’s words as they begin to settle in.

He swallows, throat bobbing and feeling strangely emotional. “Even if it hurts, huh?” he muses quietly.

He feels fingers running through his hair, and swallows the urge to take them and kiss them, one by one.

“Especially when it hurts,” Jongdae says. He is equally quiet, his words a whisper breaking into the emptiness of the room. There is no noise save for their steady breathing, and Baekhyun can only hope the sound of his rapid heartbeats isn’t too discernable.

 

 

 

 

“Thank you for your time again, sunbae.”

“Ah, it’s not a problem,” Baekhyun says, waving the freshman off with a smile. “Just remember to keep practicing and I think you’ll be great.” Sooyoung blushes and nods, clutching her books to her chest and waving her tutor one last goodbye.

The door shuts behind her, and Baekhyun sighs, checking his phone to see if he has any other students today. His calendar comes up blank after Sooyoung, so he breathes a sigh of relief. It’s not as if he doesn’t usually enjoy this little side-job; he just hasn’t been in the most ideal mood to be teaching the younger minds of this generation the craft of piano. He was only a few years older than his tutored students, but they still looked up to him, and when his smile was more forced than usual, or when there was an unusual weariness to his tone, he was sure he wasn’t the best tutor to be around.

There’s a knock on the door, and Baekhyun immediately worries that he’d missed an appointment after all.

The person who enter is only Jongdae, however. At this point, Baekhyun is pretty confused on whether he is happy to see him, or completely miserable. His heart jumps as a natural reaction to the man’s blinding grin, but it falls once more when he remembers that Jongdae is the reason he’s been in a slump lately - which isn’t fair at all. So he bucks up, stands straight, and puts on his best smile.

“What’s this loser doing here?” he says with playful eyes, collecting up his piano sheets.

Jongdae chuckles, bag slung over his shoulder and grin as bright as ever. “Had some free time between classes and I thought I’d come see how the best piano tutor in the world was doing.”

Baekhyun groans. “Come on. You can’t follow up with ‘ _best piano tutor in the world_ ’ when I just called you a loser. It’s not fair. You make me feel mean.”

“Where you choose to insult me, I’ll just continue to praise you.”

“You’re so goddamn nice. Just call me an asshole, or something, I’ll feel better.”

Jongdae laughs, dropping his bag to the ground and taking a seat by Baekhyun on the bench. He hums. “You’re an asshole, Byun. Better?”

The corner of Baekhyun’s lip tugs up on its own accord, and he ducks his head. It’s stupid, feeling warm over such an idiotic thing.

 

Baekhyun doesn’t know what it is today, but for some reason, the atmosphere is strange between them. It’s almost stilted, maybe even a little tense, something odd in the air, something mischievous in the way they talk to each other, the way they duck their heads to hide the smiles on their faces, the way Jongdae noticeably sits closer than usual. It’s almost as if - as if they were _flirting._

Baekhyun clears his throat, straightening his back and willing that ridiculous thought away.

“So how does this work, hm?” Jongdae asks. “What’s my Baekhyunnie’s mentoring secrets?”

Baekhyun nearly chokes at _my Baekhyunnie_ , even though Jongdae’s called him that before. It simply feels a little warmer than usual - laced with something else, not like the teasing and the mockery that is so customary with the two of them.

“Uh, not much different from any other piano tutor’s method, really,” Baekhyun says.

“Really? The girl who just came out of here was blushing to her roots when I passed by her in the hall. You sure it’s teaching you’re really doing in here?”

Baekhyun gapes at him, brows shooting up. “What are you accusing me of, Kim?”

“I’m joking,” Jongdae laughs. “I get why’d she be blushing after all. Handsome, well-spoken tutor sitting next to her for an hour. Plus, the piano thing is hot too. And you have pretty fingers.”

“Sounds to me like you’re the one with the crush, Dae.”

“You wish,” Jongdae is quick to defend. Maybe a bit too quick, Baekhyun notices.

He swallows. _I do wish, actually._

“Aren’t you going to be late for your next class, brat?” Baekhyun asks, because really, if Jongdae stays here a moment longer calling him handsome and his fingers pretty, Baekhyun might say or do something he’ll regret.

“I can be a little late,” Jongdae says. He rests his fingers onto the piano keys then, playing a chord. “Teach me?”

Baekhyun rolls his eyes. “You know how to play.”

“Not as well as you.”

 _Stop stop stop,_ Baekhyun pleads, and he swallows again, throat bobbing. All these compliments, all this praise - it will make him think things.

The corner of his lip twitches up, and he glances down. “You’re being so nice today. You’re not pitying me just because I broke up with Minseok, are you?”

Jongdae purses his lips, shaking his head. “Of course not. I just think you need to be reminded every once in awhile of how great you are.”

His chest tightens, because Jongdae’s tone is soft - so soft, so lovely, so warm. Baekhyun chances a glance up, and he realizes they are closer than he had realized. At this proximity, Baekhyun can see every little detail he loves about Jongdae - his long lashes, his sharp cheekbones, the warmth of his eyes. He feels as if he should probably scoot back a little, or move, but on the other hand - Jongdae is not moving either, which can only lead Baekhyun to think that he doesn’t want to. His heart is a frenzy in is chest, and he is so close to just leaning over and ending his misery - or perhaps make it worse.

The bubble around them pops when there’s a knock at the door; it’s Sooyoung, cheeks reddening when she sees what she’s interrupted.

“Sorry, I - I forgot my textbook,” she says feebly, ducking her head and rushing over to retrieve her book that lies across a table nearby. Meanwhile, Baekhyun clears his throat and shakes his head to rid of the daze that overwhelms him, and he takes the moment to seat himself a little farther from Jongdae, noticing the latter doing the same and glancing away nervously.

“It’s alright, Sooyoung,” he assures the freshman. “Remember to practice, alright?”

Sooyoung nods, smiling shyly before she rushes out of the room again.

“I’ll, uh, get to class then,” Jongdae says now, getting up quickly and grabbing his bag off of the ground. “You should too. Don't forget. We're going out with Kyungsoo and them this Sunday for your birthday. See you later?”

Baekhyun only nods, unable to form words around the lump in his throat. He gives Jongdae a last, somewhat strained smile and watches as he leaves, shutting the door behind him with a deafening finality.

Groaning, Baekhyun lets his head falls onto the piano keys, a disarray of chords playing and perfectly complementing his horrid mood.

 

 

 

 

“Happy birthday, Baekhyun!”

By the time Baekhyun settles himself at the table, he’s lost count of how many claps on his back he’s gotten, how many congrats, how many jabs at his “old age” there are, despite only turning twenty one. His friends clamber around him with excitement, as is always the case when it’s one of their birthdays.

Naturally, Baekhyun seats himself by Jongdae, who smiles at him in welcome and offers a quieter _happy birthday_. Baekhyun nods in appreciation, intent on making sure his feelings don’t overact tonight.

They don’t, for the first half of the night. It’s fine. Baekhyun has other people to distract him from the overwhelming presence of Jongdae besides him, even if he is jittery. He doesn’t know what’s gotten into him. Sure it was hard before, but something about tonight is particularly torturous, though it does make sense, given their awkward encounter earlier that week. Baekhyun hates this, in short. It was never this hard with Jongdae, never this tense, never this unbearable. It’s the primary reason he needs to shut down his feelings as harsh and as quick as he can - so he can start feeling like they’re normal, platonic best friends again, and not in some weird gray area between friends and lovers.

Soojung engages him in conversation about their shared major, and he finds himself well distracted for the most part. That is, until Baekhyun freezes mid-talk upon a hand resting on his knee. He gulps, and looks to his side to see Jongdae’s hand there as the latter continues to talk animatedly to Kyungsoo and Seungwan.

Baekhyun tenses, and he struggles to continue the conversation. Soojung looks at him in mild worry, brows furrowing upon his silence.

“You okay, Baekhyun-ah?” Soojung asks, folding grilled meat into a wrap.

“Yeah, yeah, I’m fine,” Baekhyun says, and he wills himself to relax lest Jongdae feels how tense he is. “Hey, can you pour me a drink?”

There had been no plans in his book to drink tonight, and he has classes tomorrow, but at this point, he needs nothing more than alcohol running through his system.

“Anything for the birthday boy,” she grins, and hands him a small cup filled to the brim with alcohol. He downs it all, relishing in the burn in his throat.

Suddenly, Jongdae is turning his head to face him then, lovely smile and all. Baekhyun notices his eyes are a little dazed, the way they are when he’s been drinking too.

“You having fun?” he asks, hand still on his knee.

“Ah,” Baekhyun gasps, scrunching his brows and forcing the rest of the alcohol down. “Yep. Totally. I’m having fun.”

His nerves are on fire.

“Good,” Jongdae says, something strange to his smile now. He squeezes Baekhyun’s knee, which promptly causes the older to nearly jump out of his skin.

“Another drink, please, Soojung - like right now,” Baekhyun urges. He is much too sober to be dealing with any of this.

“O-oh, okay.” Soojung pours another drink in alarm at the urgency in Baekhyun’s tone, and hands it to him in concern. “Don’t drink too much, please.”

“No promises,” Baekhyun says, to himself mostly, right before downing this one too.

After a few more drinks, Baekhyun becomes less aware of the warm hand on his knee, and more so of the dazed feeling that’s beginning to overwhelm him.

“Baekhyun, that’s enough, yeah?” Soojung says, pulling the bottle away from him.

“Woah!” says a loud voice across the table, probably Chanyeol. “Our birthday boy is drunk.”

“You are too, Chan,” another person deadpans. “The only person who isn’t is Soojung and Sehun.”

“Yeah, but Baek rarely ever drinks if it’s not soju!”

“Okay, we’re calling it a night,” Soojung is saying. Baekhyun feels his head loll around, blinking, and he wants to argue that he’s not drunk, but he’s too tired to say anything at all. Eventually, his head falls onto something hard, which feels oddly like Jongdae’s shoulder.

“I’m taking Baekhyun and Jongdae home,” Soojung says. “Sehun will take the rest of you drunkards.”

 

 

 

 

“Shit, I’m so gone,” Baekhyun slurs on the way up to the apartment. Soojung had dropped them off and drove off before making sure they got into their building safely. Jongdae and Baekhyun - now over their tired phase - are opening the door to their apartment and laughing all the meanwhile about how so, terribly pissed drunk they are.

“You got drunk after, like, three drinks,” Jongdae teases, locking the door behind them.

“Not true,” Baekhyun whines. “I’m not even drunk, man.”

“You’re as sober as I am.”

Baekhyun laughs, a little louder and a little longer than usual. “Shuuuuut the fuck up, you’re so drunk.”

“Hey, what was that song Soojung was playing in the car, hm? The song on the radio, I forget what it’s called.”

Baekhyun laughs, for no particular reason other than the fact he just feels ridiculously giddy. “Wasn’t it like, that old song, or sumtin?” He starts singing, voice all over the place no matter how much he tries. “ _I’m never gonna dance again, guilty feet have got no rhythm._ ”

“Yeah, that one!” At this, Jongdae’s eyes widen comically, and he pulls his phone out, presumably looking for the song. Soon enough, the gentle, soothing melody accompanied by the iconic saxophone reverberates through the otherwise quiet apartment. Typically, Baekhyun would have qualms about dancing with Jongdae to Careless Whisper in the middle of the night, but tonight, his drunken brain says that’s the best idea he’s ever heard.

So he leaps up, and bows dramatically at Jongdae. “Shall I court you with a dance, milady?”

“You fucking asshole,” Jongdae whines. “It will take a lot more than a pathetic dance to win over this lady’s heart.”

Baekhyun laughs before practically sweeping Jongdae into his arms, positioning them like a waltz. Dramatically, Baekhyun drags Jongdae around the middle of their living room, humming along to the tune of the song quite messily for a man who values his vocal ability.

“You’re a decent dancer,” Jongdae laughs into his ear, and shivers run down Baekhyun’s spine from the proximity.

“Certainly better than you, Mr. Two Left Feet. I’m guiding us here.”

Eventually, as their chuckles die down and their hyped phase passes, they simply come to an embrace of some sort. They stumble over each other, awkwardly throwing arms around the other's shoulders. They're offbeat to the music, following their own inebriated state of mind. Baekhyun smiles fondly, heart feeling warm inside his chest as he settles his chin onto Jongdae's shoulder. For a moment, they simply sway, and Baekhyun drones out the music in favor of focusing on Jongdae's breathing. He smells really nice, he thinks, and this motivates him to dig his nose further into Jongdae's neck.

Their dancing slows, and they’re nestled against each other. Baekhyun has a loose grip on Jongdae's shirt, fist wrapped around the fabric as something thickens in the air, indeterminable, and it makes something squirm in Baekhyun's gut. His best friend is incredibly warm, sparks of electricity jolting through him from everywhere they touch. Something about his hold - gentle and sweet and delicate - is comforting, and Baekhyun almost never wants to let go.

Well, this is really nice, he thinks. Life doesn't seem so hopeless and desolate when you're tipsy and swaying in the living room of your cheap apartment with your best friend at one in the morning. Alcohol seems to automatically filter the bad thoughts out, so that Baekhyun is left with this warm, happy glow. He doesn't think about school. He doesn't think about the rent that's due in a few days. He doesn't think about unrequited love. Instead, he smiles softly, letting his eyes fall shut as they sway a little more to the gentle saxophone.

It may be the alcohol coursing through his system, but his heart is beating abnormally fast for this slow dance. Occasionally he will move his hands to the small of Jongdae's back, or he will simply wrap his arms around his neck loosely. Before long, Jongdae is humming along to the melody of the song, quiet at first, but when Baekhyun smiles into his neck, he seems to be encouraged and starts a little clearer now. His hums are soft, mellow, a comforting tune in Baekhyun's ear. He lets himself drown in it - in Jongdae, in his warmth, in the buzz that overwhelms him, in the heat of the atmosphere. Nothing matters but this moment right now, where it's just him and Jongdae and the little bubble of content that's formed around them, immersing them in a world where only the two of them exist.

He's a little out of it, dazed by the alcohol, the music, and the sweet humming by his ear. When he accidentally steps on Jongdae's toe, he expects the man to yelp, but instead all he gets is a low chuckle in his ear. It's then he knows that something's definitely changed in the air.

They've stopped swaying, slowing to a halt. Baekhyun pulls away slightly, but his hands linger on Jongdae's shoulders. The younger's eyes are half-lidded and heavy, eyes dark as they set an intense gaze. Baekhyun feels unnerved, senses going crazy, confused by the tension that's gathered restlessly around them. Above it all, he becomes increasingly aware of how attractive Jongdae is under this light. He has always been attractive, but with alcohol buzzing through him, it makes Baekhyun all the more frustrated at how stupidly, incredibly handsome he is.

He is so close, eyes flickering around his face, darting to his mouth once before shooting away again. Baekhyun gulps, heart a frenzied mess. He realizes then, that more than anything, he wants nothing more than to close the distance between them. The desire near burns up his heart, flaring up his chest, pushing him to step a little closer. It feels right, doesn't it? This moment. That deluded little section of his buzzed mind is telling him that it feels right.

He leans in, and it's when his nose brushes Jongdae's that he startles, but not enough to pull away. His want is much too overpowering for him to even think about pulling away at this point. He stops mere inches away, the feel of Jongdae's hot and shallow breath on his own lips enough to stimulate him, and god, he feels as if he is going to explode with all the tension built up in him. His eyes meet Jongdae's, and it's a little worrying how fast his heart is beating, but he maintains eye contact anyway - as if to say, yes, kiss me, I love you, can't you see?

Time stills, the silence a deafening thunder in Baekhyun's ears. His thoughts are too loud, pounding against the walls of his mind, practically screaming. He's nervous, and confused, but mostly afraid of the fact that he can hear his heart thundering inside his chest.

He gulps again, lips trembling, scared to take the plunge.

It's alright though, because Jongdae takes it for him.

Baekhyun thinks it's funny how his first thought is _oh my god, I'm kissing Jongdae_ even when his brain is all fuzzy from alcohol. It seems he still has enough sense to be embarrassed - at first, anyway. Soon he finds himself kissing back with fervor, having wanted this for so long. He doesn't question it, for fear of the answers he may conjure from self-doubt.

It's slow and paced carefully, unused to the feeling of each other's lips but welcoming it all the same. Baekhyun's grip on Jongdae's shoulder tightens at the same time Jongdae pulls him closer by the waist, chests meeting. Jongdae is gentle, but teasing at the same time, the way he pulls at Baekhyun's bottom lip. In return, Baekhyun dares to nip at his lip a little before lightly running the tip of his tongue along where he'd bitten, suddenly deepening the kiss when he moves his hand to the younger's nape.

He feels himself becoming lightheaded, a little dizzy even, with every lick into his mouth Jongdae grants. The younger's hand cradles his face so delicately, sweetly, guiding him with ease. Baekhyun’s disillusioned mind is somehow convincing him that everything about this is totally okay - that it’s not weird at all that he is kissing Jongdae. It’s like a dream, where everything feels right for silly reasons that don’t make sense at all.

So when they part, they do so with soft, but sleepy eyes. Baekhyun is far too drunk to fully process what’s happened, and mostly just wants to rest his head and fall asleep to relieve the ache in his head.

“I’m tired, Dae,” he murmurs, still dizzy from the feel of Jongdae’s soft lips on his. He sways a little, as if threatening to topple over, but Jongdae grabs hold of him and steadies him, chuckling.

“Let’s sleep, then, okay?”

Baekhyun nods his assent, leaning forward to place his chin on Jongdae’s shoulder again.

The last thought of the night Baekhyun can recall is how gentle Jongdae is as they fall to his mattress, pulling the blanket up and over their sleepy selves and ultimately falling asleep in their drunken stupor.

 

 

 

 

“Shit, fucking hell, fuck, what the fuck, I’m the biggest asshole on Earth, holy _fuck_.”

It is just another day in the apartment.

Except, of course, this morning differs a little from all the others.

The unfortunate thing is that Baekhyun nearly always remembers his drunken escapades, and last night’s comes back all too clear.

He’s in the shower, scrubbing shampoo into his head in an almost furious manner as he continues to curse himself. As far as he knows, Jongdae is still asleep - that is, if the boy is even the apartment at all. What if he’s left? He hadn’t been in the bed when Baekhyun woke up. What if Baekhyun’s truly fucked up and Jongdae’s left in need of some space?

He dries himself off quickly, toweling away the water. It could simply be that Jongdae moved to his own bed last night, so he goes to check there instead, knocking on the man’s bedroom door once he is dressed.

“Jongdae?”

It’s quiet - no answer. Jongdae is a light sleeper usually, even after nights out drinking, and he can usually be awakened by a knock on his bedroom door. Today, however, there is nothing but silence on the other side.

“Jongdae,” Baekhyun says again, and this time, he twists the doorknob open, peering his head into the room only to see an empty bed, the sheets thrown aside and pillows ruffled. The sight makes him feel uneasy.

Back in the kitchen, he checks his phone for any texts or phone calls, but his phone comes up blank. He debates calling or texting Jongdae himself, just to see where he is or to apologize or to just, please, ask if they can maybe forget about it.

That’s the only choice now, after all.

His finger hovers over the dial button, ready to press once he gets his words in order, but then the apartment door is bursting open and Baekhyun jumps, leaping towards to see who’s arrived.

And it’s Jongdae, McDonald’s paper bags in hand. He kicks off his shoes and meets Baekhyun’s gaze.

“I got breakfast,” he says, though his smile lacks the usual warmth. Or maybe Baekhyun’s just imagining things.

And because Baekhyun can’t think of anything else he wants to say - “Oh. Um. You didn’t have to.”

Jongdae chuckles. “Yeah, I did. Nothing says hangover food like greasy McDonald’s burgers.”

Baekhyun follows Jongdae into the kitchen, watches as he sets the bags onto the counter. He scratches at his nape feebly, unsure of what to say. Jongdae, on the other hand, seems rather nonchalant, and Baekhyun is beginning to wonder if he even remembers anything at all. He’s not sure whether he prefers him to remember or not.

“Got you the usual McMuffin. That’s cool, right?” Jongdae asks, and hands the wrapped sandwich to Baekhyun, who nods and takes it.

He has to remember. He has to. He isn’t acting like himself. He keeps evading Baekhyun’s gaze. He very pointedly avoided brushing fingers with Baekhyun when he handed the sandwich to him. There’s a tension in his voice, a strain to his smile, an awkward rigidity in the air around them. Baekhyun knows he’s not overthinking it. Jongdae remembers, and he’s avoiding it.

“Hey, Dae,” Baekhyun starts, glancing away. He swallows. The words come out before he can stop them, or even think about it. “Let’s just - let’s just forget about it.”

Jongdae freezes, and that’s all the confirmation Baekhyun needs.

“We don’t have to - we don’t have to talk about it, or anything,” Baekhyun says, and he’s the biggest coward he’s ever known. “Let’s just forget it ever happened.”

“Forget about it?” Jongdae repeats, an inexplicable look crossing his face. So he acknowledges now. He averts his gaze, and Baekhyun shuffles his feet, tension tightening between them.

It is too early, and he is too hungover to deal with this. With a rough clearing of his throat, he runs a hand through his hair, forcing words out of his dry mouth.

“I mean, we can talk about it later, of course - we got to get ready for class.”

Then he’s turning on his heel, unable to deal with that unreadable look on Jongdae’s face any longer.

“Hold on, Baek,” Jongdae says before he can leave. Baekhyun pauses, and waits, the silence stretching out between them before the man is speaking again. “If - if it’s what you want, then...we can forget about it.”

Baekhyun swallows, and lets his eyes fall shut in frustration. He’d been so stupid, he realizes. Firstly, he should have never fell in love with Jongdae in the first place, though Jongdae had a large part in that too. With the way he is always smiling at Baekhyun so lovingly, the way he dotes on him and tends to him, it would have been virtually impossible to not fall for someone as lovely as him. Someone as kind, as gracious, as beautiful and generous and thoughtful as Kim Jongdae. There was no one like him.

Secondly, he should have never kissed him. Drunk or not, it was an idiotic move, and standing here in the kitchen the morning after, it’s beginning to properly sink in how reckless he’d been, regret forming around what’s left of his heart like a hard shell.

Forgetting about it isn’t an option, in reality. Baekhyun knows their friendship will be somewhat strained from here on out - to him, anyway. He won’t be able to look at Jongdae and not remember how his lips had tasted, how his grip on his shirt had felt like - passionate and longing and desperate. No, he will not ever be able to forget, but for Jongdae, he can pretend to. For the salvation of their relationship, he will try.

So with a bated breath, he turns to face Jongdae once more, hoping the break in his voice isn’t too evident.

“Okay,” he says, just above a whisper. “It never happened.”

 

 

 

 

 

Baekhyun would like to say that he does forget it.

It would be prime, in this moment, to say that things between them go back to normal. And they do - to some odd extent. At least, they pretend it does. Anyone would have to be blind to not notice the underlying rigidity between them, the tentative actions behind the so-called teasing and joking they get to with each other every day.

“What’s up with you guys?”

Sehun asks this one evening in the library, sat across from them with Kyungsoo at his side. He looks up from his textbook with an arched brow. Kyungsoo too looks on curiously.

Baekhyun clears his throat, ignoring the very brief glance Jongdae shoots him. “What do you mean?”

“I dunno. You guys have been weird lately.”

“It’s just exams, Sehun,” Jongdae says, never once lifting his gaze from his homework.

“Yeah, right. You use that excuse for everything. You two aren’t as touchy as usual.”

“Alright, that’s enough,” Kyungsoo says, nudging him. “You need to be stressed over exams, too, remember? Now study.”

“I’m serious,” Sehun says. “I’m genuinely worried here. Is something wrong? You guys have been really quiet towards each other.”

“Right, well, we’re going to study in our dorm instead,” Kyungsoo says, shutting his own textbook and pulling Sehun up by his hoodie. “Sorry, guys.”

“It’s okay,” Baekhyun assures with a weak smile.

As pushy as Sehun had been, Baekhyun sort of wishes they didn’t leave. Now it’s just him and Jongdae, pretending that everything is fine, pretending that Sehun hadn’t been right.

This. This is why he never asked for those damn feelings. It ruined everything between him and Jongdae, no matter how much they like to pretend that it didn’t.

 

 

 

 

Jongdae gets a girlfriend.

It’s been a few months now, and things have somewhat eased between them. The fact that Jongdae has moved on certainly makes it easier. For him, anyway. Baekhyun, on the other hand, is trying, at best.

His girlfriend’s name is Sunyoung, and she is Soojung's friend, introduced to him when she first moved into town. She is everything Jongdae deserves, which means she is everything Baekhyun is not. She’s pretty, she’s intelligent, and she sings as well. While Baekhyun thinks she is lucky to have Jongdae, he thinks Jongdae is equally lucky to have her. They go hand in hand. 

Baekhyun can’t hate her, nor does he want to.

She fits in with their friend group so well - funny with a bright personality, sweet laughter. He sees why Jongdae likes her. He sees why it’s uncomplicated with her. She is easy to like, easy to love. And whenever they lean in to press a kiss against the other’s lips, Baekhyun has to look away.

She comes around often, and Baekhyun admits that movie nights are a little more awkward when she is there, so he finds himself out of the apartment more and at the library, looking for a reason to simply...not be there as they cuddle and kiss.

“Jongdae has the silliest quirks,” she says one time as they’re out with the rest of their friends. “Did you know he fiddles with his ears when he’s nervous?”

“I did know,” Baekhyun says, as patient as possible. _He also scratches at his nape and runs his hands through his hair when he's particularly fidgety._

“Ah, right, you guys have been friends for so long,” she says, still with that beautiful smile on her face. There never seems to be a moment when she’s anything but positively radiant, and Baekhyun compares that to his own grumbling, moody self these days. 

“Do you have any embarrassing stories about our Jongdae?” Sunyoung asks, and her eyes drift to her boyfriend, who sputters and warns Baekhyun with hard eyes. The table bursts into laughter and dozens of questions, and at that point, Baekhyun feels like he has no choice but to force a smile and tell the story of how Jongdae got his foot caught in a hole of a fence.

In short, they are happy, and Baekhyun is too, for his friend. He’s glad that Jongdae’s found someone who he can call a partner, glad that he’s found someone good for him in every way.

 

 

 

 

Or not, because things are never that easy.

“Can I tell you something?” Jongdae says that night as they drive home, just the two of them.

“What’s up?” Baekhyun asks.

“You remember that time you were complaining about how your relationship with your ex was too perfect? How Minseok was too perfect?”

Baekhyun swallows nervously. “Yeah. Why?”

There is no response from the other man for a good few minutes, and Baekhyun isn’t sure if he intends on replying. The dark of the night is all he has, and occasionally he turns his head to watch the passing street lights reflect on Jongdae’s contemplative face.

“I kind of understand that now,” Jongdae near whispers.

They don’t say a word for the rest of the ride home.

 

 

 

 

“Thanks for coming out with me tonight.”

Kyungsoo lifts his head. “What? Of course. I wasn’t doing anything, anyway.”

“Yeah, you were, you study freak,” Baekhyun says. “You’re at the library every night. You came out because you’re doing me a favor. Thanks.”

The queue shifts, and they move one step forward. Kyungsoo scratches at his nape, sheepish.

“I know things have been tough for you,” says Kyungsoo. “I just didn’t want you to be alone.”

“People see movies alone all the time, Kyungsoo,” Baekhyun says nonchalantly, waving a hand.

“Not you. You have too much pride. And I figured that if you were asking me to see a movie with you, it meant you didn’t want to ask Jongdae.”

Baekhyun forces out a laugh - but it’s stiff and very clearly artificial. “What? Can’t I just hang out with my buddy? I have other friends besides him.”

“Yeah, I know. But it’s him you always want to spend time with, and that’s fine. It’s natural to want to spend time with the person you’re in love with.”

“Next, please,” the clerk at the ticket counter says.

“What?” Baekhyun gapes at Kyungsoo.

“She said next.”

“No, not that,” Baekhyun says, moving forward anyway. “I’m not - I’m not in love with -”

“You are,” Kyungsoo deadpans. “Hurry, we’re holding up the line.”

“But I’m -”

“- Really holding up the line, is what you are. Go,” Kyungsoo urges, and he gives Baekhyun a little push until they reach the counter, where he begrudgingly pays for tickets. All the meanwhile, he wonders if he’s really been that obvious.

So he asks Kyungsoo, approximately two hours later as they exit the cinema.

“That was a pretty good film,” Kyungsoo is saying, dumping his empty drink into the trash. “Although I feel like the romance was unnecessary -”

“Am I that obvious?”

Kyungsoo halts, brow perked in confusion before realization crosses his expression, and he sighs, resolve crumbling.

“Yeah, kinda. But I mean. I’ve always considered myself pretty perceptive, too, so maybe some people haven’t noticed. Jongdae certainly hasn’t.”

Baekhyun breathes out a sigh of relief. At least that’s clear.

“Who...who else knows?”

“Soojung,” Kyungsoo says immediately. “She figured it out the night of your birthday. There’s Sehun as well, and Chanyeol. We have a group chat about it.”

“What?!”

“I mean, it wasn’t meant to be that way,” Kyungsoo defends with a small chuckle. “We all just noticed it and wanted to talk about how obvious you guys are without anyone else knowing, so we made a private chat.”

“Wow. Should have added me. I need people to vent to.” Baekhyun pauses, brows furrowing as he picks up what Kyungsoo’s really said. “Hold on. What do you mean ‘how obvious _you guys_ are’?”

Kyungsoo laughs, shaking his head in what appears to be disbelief. “Just...just tell him, Baek. Trust me. I think you’ll be glad you did.”

“He’s dating Sunyoung.”

“Not for long.”

“What the hell? You psychic or something? Some kinda seer?”

“He told me he was going to break up with her.”

“Oh.”

Kyungsoo laughs again, gesturing for Baekhyun to hurry so that they can find his car in the parking lot.

“But why?” Baekhyun asks, voice small.

“Try asking him yourself,” Kyungsoo says, calm. “I think you’ll find yourself understanding.”

Baekhyun grumbles, because Kyungsoo is being incredibly vague and mysterious and it's driving him crazy. 

“Seriously, Baekhyun," the man says. "Think about telling him. Or at least, you know, meet each other halfway. If one’s pushing and the other’s walking away, you won’t get anywhere. You have to both make an effort at the same time. You have to both fight for it.”

Kyungsoo makes it sound so easy, as if he can go home and kiss Jongdae and confess right then and there. It’s never that easy and it never will be, though he supposes this is why it would be called fighting for it.

 

 

 

 

“Well,” Jongdae says one night, immediately after Baekhyun comes through the door, groceries in hand. “I broke up with her.”

“What?” Baekhyun gapes, and he has to make an actual effort in order to not drop the bags of groceries in his arms. Jongdae comes over to help, taking them away from his hands and bringing them to the kitchen counter instead.

“I broke up with Sunyoung.”

“But...why?” Baekhyun asks, heaving the last of the groceries onto the table. He recalls what Kyungsoo's said some nights ago, and though he'd forgotten since then, he is still curious. 

“Same reason Minseok broke up with you.”

Baekhyun’s brows draw together, and he is confused. “You felt like she wasn’t into it?”

“Yeah, that,” Jongdae says, “but I mean. It’s not like I was either.”

“I don’t understand. You guys were happy.”

“We weren’t happy,” Jongdae says truthfully. “We were content. But not happy.”

“She’s fine with it then?”

“She agreed with me. That we should end it. We didn’t see it going anywhere. Don’t you remember what you said all that time ago, Baekhyun? Love is something you feel like you need to fight for. Sunyoung and I didn’t bother fighting for ours, so what’s the point?”

And there it is again, Baekhyun thinks bitterly. Suddenly, he's upset. All this  _fighting for love_ nonsense is starting to feel idiotic to him. Yeah, he knows what he said before, but god damn it, what the hell does he know? 

“Jongdae,” Baekhyun begins, moving over to lean against the counter across from him. “Stop this. Listen. That’s probably all bullshit, alright? What exactly is wrong with content? Sure it’s not happy, but it’s not sad either. There’s nothing wrong with perfect.”

“But you said -”

“Forget whatever the fuck I said, geez. I’m an idiot, haven’t you learned that by now? At this point, I’m willing to settle with anyone who makes me even remotely content.”

“You don’t mean that.”

“Maybe I do, maybe I don’t,” Baekhyun says. “All I know is that we’re too in over our heads to think we’re going to be with that someone that makes us feel something for once in our pathetic lives.”

It’s quiet, the last of Baekhyun’s words reverberating out in the space between them.

“I’m sorry,” Baekhyun groans. “I made that about me, shit. Sorry. I didn’t mean to say that. Of course you should do whatever you want, be whoever you want to be with. I’m just bitter.”

“Baekhyun…”

“Stop, no, this isn’t about me. You just had a break-up, for god’s sake.” Baekhyun is forcing a smile onto his face then, perhaps the most strained and weak it’s ever been. “Don’t worry about me. I’m fine. You, on the other hand, need a good ol fashioned ice cream and movies night. Or would you rather a song?”

Jongdae shakes his head. “Baek, I’m not even a little sad over this. Trust me. Don’t try to hide from me, I know you’re hurting-”

He avoids eye contact, digging through the plastic bags to look for the ice cream he’d just bought. “I’m thinking pistachio, what about you?”

“Baekhyun, god, listen to me -”

“Jongdae,” Baekhyun urges, and he stands up straight, his smile falling. His eyes are pleading, nearly begging. “Just. Please.”

Jongdae softens, sighing deeply and casting his eyes down at the ground. He seems to be battling with himself, eyes shutting in frustration and Baekhyun hates that he has to do this to him.

Finally, he looks up, a resolve in his eyes, and gives in.

“Pistachio sounds great.”

 

 

 

 

“I still can’t believe you went to see this movie without me,” Jongdae grumbles. They stand in the queue at the cinemas, some nights later, and things have returned back to normal for the most part. 

“You were a little busy,” Baekhyun teases, nudging him. In all honesty, Baekhyun hadn’t paid much attention to the film the first time, so he was unbothered to go watch it again with Jongdae.

“Yeah, but you and Kyungsoo could have invited me.”

“Hey, you really hurt over this?” Baekhyun asks, though he already knows Jongdae isn’t, because the pout on the younger man’s face is exaggerated and ridiculous. This doesn’t necessarily mean Baekhyun does not find it frustratingly adorable. It doesn’t help that Jongdae’s wearing a snug black hoodie, the hood pulled up over his head so that he just looks so damn _cuddly_.

“No,” Jongdae admits with a sly grin after the pout falls. “You’re here with me now so I’m fine.”

 _Please stop_ , Baekhyun thinks to himself, internally suffering at this point. These words mean more to him than it'll ever mean to Jongdae. Baekhyun clears his throat and looks away, smile falling and unsure what to say.

They are quiet for the rest of the queue until they purchase their tickets, and finally enter the cinema. Jongdae is practically bouncing in his seat as the opening credits begin, and Baekhyun is endeared, smiling quietly but keeping it to himself.

It’s unexpected, really, the pressure on his left shoulder about two-thirds through the movie.

Baekhyun turns, surprised to see Jongdae there, dozing quite peacefully on his shoulder.

 _This boy. How is he going to complain about me seeing a movie without him and then fall asleep during it?_ He tsks, but not without smiling fondly at the boy on his shoulder and feeling idiotically warm inside his chest. As he turns his head back to the screen, he does his best not to move an inch so as not to wake Jongdae up. His mind goes back to the night he’d came out with Kyungsoo instead - how Kyungsoo had tried to convince him to tell Jongdae.

He weighs his options. If he doesn’t tell him, he’s left to hopelessly pine for as long as it takes to get over him, and getting over someone like Kim Jongdae didn’t seem very plausible. If he did tell him, it would be off his chest, even if he is rejected.

And there is always something to consider - the fact that Jongdae kissed Baekhyun that drunken night must mean something. If he tells him and Jongdae shuts it down, then it’ll be easier for Baekhyun to get over him at the very least. However, that can ruin their friendship, and that is what Baekhyun fears the most. On the other hand, if he tells him and - by some off miracle - Jongdae happens to feel the same, well then, the problem solves itself.

How likely is that though, Baekhyun thinks bitterly.

Suddenly, his mind conjures up unwanted images of him and Jongdae holding hands, him and Jongdae feeding each other, him and Jongdae wearing each other’s clothes, him and -

Well, they already do all that, actually. Baekhyun realizes this with a nervous gulp.

So then those images become him and Jongdae kissing, him and Jongdae telling each other why they love the other, him and Jongdae adopting a dog and treating it like their child -

Dangerous territory. The words practically flash red in Baekhyun’s head, and he’s starting to feel nauseous. He shouldn’t even be thinking of this, not when Jongdae himself is asleep on his shoulder. How nice would it be though, to come home everyday and be able to kiss Jongdae’s cheek and tell him how much he loves him? The thought itself makes Baekhyun so incredibly happy, and if he was able to live out a dream on repeat every day, it would be just that precisely.

Before he knows it, the end credits are rolling on the screen, and he’s dumbfounded. He’s missed the entire movie yet again due to his thoughts straying to Jongdae. God, he’s whipped.

“Hey,” he whispers, nudging Jongdae very lightly. “Wake up. Movie’s over.”

The boy grumbles, and damn it, if Baekhyun could stay here all night, he would, if only to let Jongdae sleep for as long as he wants.

“They’re going to kick us out,” Baekhyun mutters. “Get up.”

Jongdae groans, sleepy. He digs his face into Baekhyun’s neck then, and the latter stills when he feels Jongdae’s lips pressing against his skin - just a brush, but it’s enough to have him terrified.

“Jongdae,” Baekhyun urges. “We got to get home. You can sleep on the way.”

The sleepy boy hums against his neck, shifting again. “Can I sleep in your bed tonight?”

His heart stops, breath taken away. “Wh-why?”

“You’re warm.”

“D-don’t be ridiculous, Jongdae,” Baekhyun stutters, feeling his heart rate shoot up. “Stop playing games. We really have to head home.”

“If you let me sleep in your room. Please? I’ve had trouble sleeping lately but it’s so easy to when you’re there.” His voice is rough from sleep, tired and weary. Baekhyun's sure that if Jongdae wasn't this sleepy, he wouldn't be saying any of this. 

“Why are you saying these things, huh?” Baekhyun asks, trying so desperately to keep the mood light in fear of what it might really be.

“I mean it, Baek. I’m not trying to be funny or anything. We used to sleep in the same bed all the time in high school, and when we stopped, it’s gotten harder for me to sleep.”

He falters. Jongdae’s been having trouble sleeping all these years since they’ve graduated and grown up? Since they’ve moved in together and gotten separate rooms?

“Y-you never told me this,” he mutters quietly.

“I didn’t want to trouble you. But is it okay if I trouble you for one night? I’m sorry. You don’t have to agree.”

“Why do you think you’d trouble me?” Baekhyun asks incredulously, yet quietly, as if he is simply musing about it on his own. “It’s fine, really. You can sleep in my room.”

“Really?” Jongdae lifts his head finally, eyes widening as he meets Baekhyun’s gaze.

“Of course.”

“This is going to be the best sleep I’ve had in awhile.”

Baekhyun rolls his eyes. “You idiot. Why didn’t you tell me about this earlier?”

Jongdae shrugs, playful - yet still sleepy - smile adorned, and they make their way out of the cinema into the starlit night. Baekhyun isn’t sure if he’s got enough strength to handle the coming night, but if it’s for Jongdae’s sake, he’ll gather every ounce he has.

 

 

 

 

The sheets are pulled up to their chins, and they’re huddled into the bed, facing each other as they settle in.

“I already feel better,” Jongdae says with a sated smile.

Baekhyun swallows nervously, eyes flickering around Jongdae’s confusing expression. “Jongdae,” he says firmly.

“Hm?”

“Are you okay? You are, right? You’d tell me if something was wrong?”

“I am and I would,” Jongdae replies. “Why?”

“I don’t know. You just seem stressed. And troubled. I hope you know you can tell me anything.”

Jongdae is sighing, quiet for a while before he speaks again. “I will always tell you everything, Baekhyun. I have one thing I can’t tell you, though. That’s a secret for me to keep.”

Baekhyun frowns. “Why? I’m your best friend.”

“Don’t be hurt,” Jongdae sings, smiling in a sleepy manner as his eyes drift shut. “I promise I’ll tell you someday when it’s right.”

“Is it the reason you’re troubled lately?”

“Mhm. Definitely.”

“Then why can’t I know? I want to help you.”

“Shhh,” Jongdae says, and Baekhyun can tell he is already half asleep. “Oh. You can sing me a song. That’ll help me a lot. Something quiet, something...hopeful.”

“I can do that,” Baekhyun assures. “Just sleep. I’ll sing. Forget about things for a bit.”

Jongdae nods his agreement, soft and sleepy smile on his face. Baekhyun takes in a small breath and begins to sing very quietly, allowing himself to reach whatever notes he feels likes reaching, to hit them softly and without worry of hitting them wrong. His voice is a bit weary from being tired, but he manages to push through, singing a slow, gentle melody.

In the bare quiet of the room, his song is the only that rings. The moonlight filters through the blinds and immerses them in a soft light, and suddenly - Baekhyun feels quite emotional. With the melancholic song that slips from his lips, with the somewhat sad moonlight, with the beautiful boy who sleeps across from him with the most peaceful expression hiding whatever troubles him, it all makes him feel incredibly overwhelmed, and his heart even begins to sting a bit. It’s nothing new, but it’s stronger than ever, and it has him wanting to curl himself into a ball.

He doesn’t; he sings on, voice breaking off when he feels like he can’t stay awake any longer. He manages to raise his hand and rest it at the side of Jongdae’s face, running his fingers through his best friend’s hair gently.

Jongdae truly does deserve the world, Baekhyun thinks. He feels weak when he sees him smile, but at the same time, it gives him strength. He feels his heart jump in his chest a little at the mere mention of him sometimes. His best friend is kind and forgiving and generous. His best friend is beautiful, everything about him - from his voice to his manner to simply the way he exists. His best friend is funny and smart and so incredibly genuine, Baekhyun is convinced at this point that he truly doesn’t deserve him.

His best friend is also impatient and moody and often, he is distant. Baekhyun wishes he would tell him what’s wrong. Then again, Baekhyun has yet to tell him what’s on his mind as well.

He ends his song, lightly running his fingers through Jongdae’s hair one last time before pulling away. Swallowing down the unwanted feelings, Baekhyun forces himself to shift and roll over so that he doesn’t face Jongdae, but instead - the dark blank wall.

 

 

 

 

“It's not like I went out with him for real, it was just a one night thing!” Baekhyun defends, rolling the kimbap. “And it was three years ago, come on!”

“Still,” Jongdae laughs, “he was such an asshole, right off the bat. This is why you can't pick up dudes at the bar.”

“Why are we even talking about him? He's long gone.”

“I suppose he can't be worse than Chanyeol’s current boyfriend.”

“Oh, god, don't even get me started on Yifan.”

“Seriously though - he's dated all terrible people before. When will actually finds someone good for him?” Jongdae ponders, then he scoffs, almost bitterly. “I mean, not that I have any room to talk.”

And with that, the mood drops, flashes of that scene a few weeks ago suddenly coming back to Baekhyun, when Jongdae had broken up with Sunyoung. He swallows nervously, attempting to focus his attention back on the kimbap.

“So, uh… you and Sunyoung really over, huh?” he asks, as nonchalant as possible, and it's not because he's dying to know. He just wants to make sure he's okay.

Jongdae nods curtly. “Yeah. She’s a great person, really. I love her, but not like that.”

“I get it,” Baekhyun says. “You alright though?”

“Of course,” Jongdae waves with a nonchalant hand. “It’s been a good while now, anyway. I don’t even think I was ever really beaten up over it, actually. We’re still friends, after all.”

“Ah,” Baekhyun replies. “That’s good.”

Jongdae hums. “Yeah. I started to notice she was really kind of distant later on in the relationship, so I thought I’d save us both the trouble.”

“Makes sense,” Baekhyun says.

“It always seemed like she was trying to avoid kissing me, too,” Jongdae says. “So maybe it was that.” He laughs in a self deprecating manner.

"Why would it be because of that?" Baekhyun laughs, because Jongdae is being ridiculous as usual. "You're a good kisser, though."

He freezes.

He begs internally that maybe Jongdae will disregard it as a passing comment, but when he chances a glance up, the man is looking at him with slightly widened eyes, mouth parted.

Baekhyun forces his gaze away, now feeling heat flood his face instead. He distracts himself by quickly wrapping up a kimbap roll, wishing the ground could simply swallow him up so he can escape this incredibly mortifying situation.

"I thought we..." Jongdae starts quietly, and Baekhyun clenches his eyes shut, hoping that maybe if he pretends hard enough, this isn't happening and he didn't just ruin everything all over again.

He hears Jongdae sigh, taking measured steps towards him, and god no, please, don't come anywhere near him, he might just bolt away and leave the country and start a new life under a new name.

But Jongdae stops, and it's quiet for a while, the tension thick and unrelenting in the air. Baekhyun is about to make some excuse and leave just from the sheer awkwardness of it all, but then, Jongdae is saying, light tone and all - "You really think I'm a good kisser?"

There's that familiar lilting, playful quality in his voice, and it gives Baekhyun enough courage to open his eyes and look up at him. Surprisingly, the younger is smirking, eyes glinting. Jongdae smiles fully then, laughing, teasing Baekhyun and making the mood light once more.

Baekhyun is thankful.

"In your dreams," he shoots back.

Jongdae smiles at him again, but it's softer this time, and says something else. It's a reassurance. It's an understanding. It's the reason Baekhyun doesn't want to ruin this.

Finally, Jongdae takes his gaze away, and claps his hands together. "Let's eat, yeah?"

 

 

 

Half an hour later, they’re full and sated, sitting in front of their television and slumped into the couch. Baekhyun still feels jittery from the previous incident, fingers fumbling with the hole in the leather of the couch. He tries to keep up with whatever is happening with the drama on the television, but his mind keeps straying back to - not just the incident half an hour ago, but also the night they’d kissed. It was true. Jongdae was an excellent kisser.

The way his lips seemed to naturally fold around his own. The way he was so warm against him, hands gentle yet yearning at the same time. The way he slipped his tongue -

Alright, Baekhyun, get a hold of yourself.

It’s been a few months since then, and yet, it’s obvious that Baekhyun hasn’t forgotten at all. He remembers every bit very clearly; how could he not? It had been all he ever wanted, and now he’s ruined everything by bringing it up again tonight. He wonders if Jongdae is internally battling with himself besides him on the couch as well. Probably not. It’s not Jongdae who's pining oh-so desperately for the other.

Baekhyun is just pathetic at this point.

He sighs quietly to himself and leans his head back against the couch, keeping his eyes on the television and struggling to remember which character is which.

The night drones on like this, silent aside from the dramatic sobbing on the television and the occasional insult thrown. Baekhyun’s nerves have settled somewhat, but Jongdae is unordinarily quiet. Usually, he’d have something to say about this situation or that, an opinion of his own to add in. He’s been virtually silent the entire time, however, and this realization causes Baekhyun’s anxiety to shoot up again.

He’s about ready to pull himself off the couch and call it a night when Jongdae is suddenly speaking.

"We never really talked about it, you know."

"Hm?"

Jongdae hesitates, before continuing.

"The kiss."

Baekhyun turns to meet Jongdae’s unsettling gaze, completely serious. His heart stills, because there is no trace of humor in his expression this time.

"We just shrugged it off and said let's forget about it,” Jongdae says. His gaze falls to his lap. “Let's be honest, Baek. We haven't forgotten about it at all."

His heart rate picks up. This is exactly what he wanted to avoid.

Jongdae continues. "When you - when you first said to forget about it, I was a little hurt, honestly, you know? I mean - I wanted to talk about it that time, and I know, that's hypocritical of me because I'm the one that ran away first but, shit, I didn't - I was so confused, Baekhyun. And it - it kind of hurt that you didn't want to talk about it later, because I wanted to see where it would go, maybe, I don't know - am I being stupid?"

_I wanted to see where it would go._

What is he saying?

"Jongdae, I -"

"And I really did want to kiss you that night, you know, but the next morning, I was just so scared of the fact that I might have ruined things, and I ran off, and I'm so sorry about that. It was a shitty thing to do, and I just. So I can't blame you completely for saying let's just forget it all, but honestly, I haven't been able to forget at all. I think about it all the time. I think about it when I see you, I think about it when I'm not even with you."

Baekhyun struggles to get words in, confused and alarmed. "I didn't mean to make you feel like that -"

"And I - I should regret it, but I don't? I really don't. I'd actually really want to - I mean, fuck, I might be ruining everything right now -"

“What are you saying, exactly -”

“We have to fight for the best kinds of love, right? Well, that’s what I’m doing, right now. I’m fighting for us because we never really fought for it at all and who are we to say fight for love when we can’t even give us a try -”

Maybe Jongdae’s been fighting all along, and what has Baekhyun been doing? At a standstill, drowning in his own self-doubt, too blind to maybe see that -

Jongdae might feel the same.

“I just want you to know, okay. I hate that I have to tell you like this, but god damn it, Baekhyun, you’re literally the most headass, oblivious person in existence. I mean - the amount of times I outwardly flirted with you, jesus christ -”

Jongdae talks too much, Baekhyun decides.

_Meet him halfway._

It's on impulse, a last minute decision. He pulls Jongdae in with a hand on his cheek and the other on his nape, turning his head to plant a messy kiss on his lips. And it is messy - his lips barely manage to meet Jongdae's, smushed against his mouth in the least elegant way. Jongdae's eyes are struck wide open, taken aback. In any case, it doesn't take too long before they mold their lips around each other properly, and for Jongdae's eyes to fall shut as he finally takes in what is happening.

Kissing Kim Jongdae sober doesn’t feel much different from kissing him drunk, truth be told. There is no alcohol in his system, only adrenaline and want and desire - and yet, it still feels as if he's anything but sober, an excited pulse thrumming through his veins. He thinks one of the best feelings in the world is Jongdae kissing him back, bringing his hands to his waist to scoot him closer, gasping when they part. With fervor, Baekhyun closes the distance again, tilting his head and opening his mouth, drowning in his taste and god, he doesn't think he was born for anything else other than to kiss Jongdae. His heart is hammering wildly in chest, and he can't even think right now, can't even do anything but seat himself closer to Jongdae until their chests and thighs meet.

Jongdae moans into his mouth as their pace increases, and that's pretty much the end of Baekhyun's attempt at trying to hold back.

He swings a leg over the younger's lap to seat himself comfortably on Jongdae's thighs, parting briefly to look him in his now dark and heavy eyes.

"Is this okay?" he asks breathlessly.

He sees Jongdae's adam's apple bob in his throat before he nods fervently. "Definitely," and with a hand on Baekhyun's nape pulling him in, they're kissing again. It's slower now, but no less desperate. Impatient, and suddenly bold, Baekhyun grabs Jongdae's hand to place it on his waist and is then met with his firm grip, taken aback by how eager he is.

Baekhyun's hand slips from the back of Jongdae's neck, dragging down his chest, and this seems to make Jongdae snap back. 

"Baek, wait, we - we still haven't talked about it -"

Baekhyun falters, chest tightening in panic. "Sorry, holy shit - sorry, I -"

"No - stop, I mean - I want you more than anything. But I - I don't want you to regret anything. I want to clear things up between us. I want to know where you stand and if...if we're on the same page."

Baekhyun understands, and he mentally slaps himself. He'd never actually said he liked him. Jongdae probably thinks Baekhyun just wants his body.

He chuckles a little, shaking his head, because yes, while kissing and touching him is nice and half of everything he wants, he can't even begin to explain how much he is so incredibly in love with him.

The beginnings of a frown makes its way onto Jongdae's face, and Baekhyun shakes his head quickly to assure him that he is not laughing at him.

"Jongdae," Baekhyun begins, cradling his face and sending him the warmest gaze. "It's safe to say I've been in love with you for five years."

Jongdae gulps, blinking rapidly, and Baekhyun chuckles once more. "That long?" he says, a bit of a squeak, and it has Baekhyun grinning.

"Maybe longer," Baekhyun says, dragging a finger down the side of the younger's face. "But it's been especially torturous over the past year. You don't know how much I - how much I struggled with it, how I felt like I was going to explode because I knew I couldn't ruin this. God, it tore me up. And now - now I'm here, in your lap -" and he laughs at this a little, smiling at the grin Jongdae's bestowed, "- so I'm sorry if I'm rushing a bit. I've been waiting so long."

"Is this happening?" Jongdae half-whispers.

Baekhyun nods, chuckling. "You bet. I can’t believe it anymore than you."

With a blinding smile, Jongdae is leaning up to capture Baekhyun's mouth in another searing kiss. His hands clutch at Baekhyun's waist with a longing, a desperation, and Baekhyun is taken aback at the initiative, groaning in surprise when a tongue licks into his mouth. He struggles to keep up at first, but it's not long before he's kissing back with equal passion, throwing his arms around Jongdae's shoulders.

"I love you, Baek," Jongdae confesses suddenly, murmuring the words into his open mouth. "More than anything."

Baekhyun can't find it in him to respond with anything other than a muffled moan, as his lips are being stolen once more in a furious, heated kiss. He's given a chance to breathe when Jongdae's mouth trails away from his own, pecking at the corner of his lips before Jongdae drags them down the side of his neck. A shiver runs along Baekhyun's spine, nerves practically on fire, as Jongdae's hot breath hits his skin, lips brushing tantalizingly against his bare neck.

"I lied," Baekhyun sighs. “You're an amazing kisser."

There's a low rumble from Jongdae's chest when he chuckles, and it's got Baekhyun going absolutely insane.

"You're so hot," he huffs, almost irritably. "Fuck you."

Jongdae chuckles again, tilting his chin up to pull Baekhyun's bottom lip in between his own. It’s softer this time, gentler - it says what words cannot and it has Baekhyun feeling absolutely weak in Jongdae’s hold. He wants to melt, wants to fall into Jongdae and embrace him for as long as time will allow, wants to be close to him, wants to feel his heartbeat against his chest.

They pull apart after a while, foreheads pressed against each other. Jongdae’s thumb is still placed on Baekhyun’s chin, holding him in place as their gazes meet, and Baekhyun actually feels as if he can be lit on fire at the precise moment Jongdae’s dark eyes meet his own. Would he mind? Probably not.

“I love you,” Baekhyun says again, just because he can now. “God, I fucking love you.”

Jongdae smiles, pulling Baekhyun forward for a lighter kiss, more of a peck. “Pretty sure I love you more.”

“I’ll fight you. I will, right here, let’s go -”

“I’d rather kiss you.”

Baekhyun feels heat creep into his face, and he pulls away in embarrassment.

“You’re blushing!” Jongdae exclaims, which of course, only makes Baekhyun redden further.

“I’m not,” Baekhyun defends, though his face burns.

“You’re so cute.”

“You’re not helping it, asshole!” Baekhyun yells, placing his hands on Jongdae’s shoulder to push himself away.

“Come back, babe.”

Baekhyun is, basically, on fire at this point. “Oh my god.”

“Wow, you’re so red right now.”

“Please.”

“Sweetheart, come back to me.”

“Jongdae, I’m about ready to murder you.”

“Okay!” Jongdae gives in, laughing boisterously. “I can’t help it if you’re so cute.”

“I swear to fucking god-”

“Just come here,” he pleads, a bit more serious now, though the smile never leaves his face. Baekhyun, reluctant, swipes a hand over his face in an attempt to keep it from burning red, and makes his way back over. This time, he seats himself besides Jongdae in the couch instead of on his lap.

Frowning at his choice in seat, Jongdae moves to place his hands very gently on Baekhyun’s cheeks, turning him to face him. His face is softer now, smile genuine and fond.

“Having fun?” Baekhyun grumbles.

“Sorry,” Jongdae says with a bit of a chuckle. “I’ve just wanted to call you all of that for so long. Babe, sweetheart, cute. Am I allowed to now? I mean, what I’m asking is - are we together?”

“You gotta take me out first, _babe_ ,” Baekhyun says, and enjoys the way red now creeps into Jongdae’s cheeks, though not as much as Baekhyun’s had reddened.

“I will. Gladly.”

Baekhyun snickers indulgently, pulling Jongdae’s hands off his face to hold them in his own hands instead. “Hey, I’m joking. Of course we’re together, if you want to be.”

Jongdae grins. “I do want to be.”

Baekhyun smiles in return. He feels weightless.

“Me too.”

And so Jongdae finds his way in between Baekhyun’s neck and shoulder, nestled in the junction comfortably. He presses a kiss on the bare skin there, underneath Baekhyun’s shirt, and the latter feels chills run all along his nerves.

“Five years,” Jongdae says, “is a long time to love someone without knowing they love you back.”

“Tell me about it. I don’t know how I survived.”

“Have we really been oblivious to each other for five years? Christ. We could have saved so much time.”

Baekhyun smiles, enjoying the feel of Jongdae’s chest rumbling with small laughter. He presses his cheek against his best friend’s - or rather, boyfriend’s - hair, feeling as if his chest is going to burst. It’s quiet between them for a while, but that’s fine - this is good. Amazing, really. Like a dream Baekhyun was losing hope on, only to surprise him last minute. His heart is full, his smiles are endless, and he isn’t sure if there’s ever a moment he’s ever felt more light.

“I’m not really sad right now,” Baekhyun is muttering, “but will you sing for me, anyway?”

Jongdae grins. “Of course. I assume you want Snow Flower?”

Baekhyun grins in return, pressing a kiss onto his head, soft and lingering and gentle.

“Always.”

 

 

 

 

There is a brighter tinge to the sky today, despite being evening; it’s a dark cerulean, the clouds shapeless and stretched across its expanse. With the accompaniment of the gentle breeze, it’s essentially the perfect summer evening.

Baekhyun pulls his gaze away from the sky and back at the dog in its leash. He holds the end of the leash firmly in one hand, the other wrapped around Jongdae’s. Miso, their pup, struggles to stay in one spot, always fidgeting and eager to bounce when he spots a squirrel.

Baekhyun and Jongdae are huddled into each other at the base of a large, shadowy tree. He’s got his head nestled into Jongdae’s shoulder, smiling contently and letting his eyes fall shut.

“Miso,” Jongdae says at the pup, “come here.”

Baekhyun feels tiny paws climbing all over him and he grunts at the pressure, laughing when Miso makes his way to Jongdae’s lap instead, taking his place there and resting his head on the man’s knee.

“Look at my two, overly affectionate puppies,” Jongdae coos with a chuckle, and Baekhyun is snickering as well, digging his nose even further into Jongdae’s neck.

“I’m cuter, right?” Baekhyun asks with an indulgent smile. Jongdae laughs, and it rings beautifully in Baekhyun’s ears.

“Sure, Baek.”

Baekhyun hums, still with that airy smile on his face. “You hear this like a hundred times a day, but I love you. Okay. I’m never going to stop telling you now that I can.”

“I know,” Jongdae laughs sweetly, pressing his cheek against Baekhyun’s head. “I love you too.”

Baekhyun’s heart swells, and he buries his smile into Jongdae’s shoulder. For a while, they stay like that, leaned against the base of a thick tree under the empty sky as the summer breeze shakes them, ruffling their shirts and Miso’s fur.

“We should get going soon,” Jongdae whispers. “Miso’s getting antsy.”

“I’m so comfortable though.”

“We can sleep at home. It’s getting late.”

“I’d nap with you at anytime of the day.”

“I had more than napping in mind,” Jongdae says, tone almost suggestive.

Baekhyun raises his head quickly then, brow perked. “What?”

“We can drop Miso off at Kyungsoo’s.”’

Baekhyun narrows his eyes at him, wondering if Jongdae’s just trying to get him to move.

“We can do that thing you wanted to try,” Jongdae says.

“Alright, let’s go,” Baekhyun urges immediately, pulling himself off the ground as Jongdae laughs, He offers his boyfriend a hand, pulling him up. “Sorry, Miso, you like Kyungsoo more anyway, right?”

The dog yelps, tail wagging excitedly at his owners. Baekhyun smiles, crouching to gather the pup in his arms and kiss him all over his fur, laughing when Miso wriggles around in his grip. He had never liked to be coddled like he is now, pretending he’s a big bad dog when he is as fluffy as the shapeless clouds.

“Let’s go home,” Jongdae says with a grin, weaving his hand back into Baekhyun’s and swinging it between them as they make their way back to the cement walkway. Miso is back on the ground, bouncing alongside them happily.

Baekhyun takes the moment to glance down at the pup they’ve adopted together, at their hands interwoven and swinging in the air, at Jongdae who smiles at him so lovingly. He isn’t sure how he’d gotten lucky enough to be blessed with both Jongdae and Miso, but he knows that he isn’t going to take them for granted.

And Jongdae. Jongdae, who he’d been hung up over for as long as he remembers, who he was very nearly close to giving up on right before they’d confessed. There is nothing brighter than him, brighter than his smile, and even the sun can never compare.

“You okay?” Jongdae asks, and Baekhyun nods.

“I have you,” he says quietly. “So definitely.”

Jongdae smiles, ducking his head, and he looks as happy as Baekhyun feels, which of course, only makes the latter even happier.

“You’ve always had me.”

It’s Baekhyun’s turn to smile, cheeks warm. He faces forward again, breathing out a deep sigh - of relief, of joy, of general content. His chest had hurt for so long out of what he thought was unrequited love, and now, it is full for all the right reasons.

Love is messy and imperfect and painful as hell, but god is it worth it.

**Author's Note:**

> I had Jongdae sing park hyo shin's 'snow flower' because I can't stop thinking about that fan account that said he sang it at one of the exo'rdiums I REALLY NEED THIS IN MY LIFE DOES ANYONE KNOW A FANCAM OR EVEN AN AUDIO I LOVE THAT SONG AND I LOVE JONGDAE AND TOGETHER MY LIFE WOULD BE COMPLETE
> 
> anyway, thank you for reading xx


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